So I just turned 21. And I guess lately I've been having a identity crisis of sorts.
You see, I'm a nerd. I'm obsessed with Marvel movies, Star Wars, and reading in general. Also, I'm a big fan of fantasy. Oh, and the BBC show Merlin. Seriously, don't talk to me about it ending.

And I have a tendecy to act and dress like a 16 year old boy/scene kid. Band/superhero tees, jeans that are kind of baggy (mainly because I have no ass to speak of), and converse.

And sure, I do get dressy. I wear skirts, and cute boots and flats and stuff. Just on most days, I don't. And sometimes, I wished that I dressed and looked more "my age".

But I've been thinking.. why am I bothered by this? Why don't I feel free to be me? I'm fucking 21, and I'm still as insecure as I was when I was 16. What is it that is holding me back from accepting the fact that I'm a completely different person than most of the people around me, and love that about me?

Just when I think my life is getting boring...

So, sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with a certain friend of mine. Take Friday night. She came over to play games with my family, because that's what kind of a friend she is.. more like a sister. And after both of us getting the feeling that someone was talking about us, she looks at me with wide eyes and texts me... instead of just saying what came to her mind. I knew this wasn't going to be good, so when I read the text asking me how would I feel going on a double date, I freaked.

  Let me explain further.

So. Not only was the date supposed to be the next night, I've never met either of the guys that we would be meeting. I was basically being brought along because my friend didn't want to drive down to meet this guy by herself. Not because she didn't trust him, just because she didn't want to or whatever. Apparently, when this guy asked her, and she responded as such, he came up with the idea of a double date, with either me or her best friend being the chosen ones. So after deciding on me (without asking me how I felt about all this), they went through my facebook pictures, where HE chose a picture that he thought was suitable to show to this guy.

 Meaning, I'd be the only one going in blind to this thing. Well. Finding this out all in one night sent me into a frenzy... and after thinking about it, it pissed me off.

First off, finding out that they refer to me as Good Girl, simply because I have traditional parents, and very little experience with guys didn't sit well at all.

Then, the fact that my FIRST EVER DATE would be a "hey, why not, she's kind of cute" kind of thing... really annoyed me. Even though the other friends I talked to about this encouraged me to go on this date (which didn't happen, in case you were wondering), I have decided that I wont.

Why? It's simple.

 I want my first date to be with someone who has gotten to know me, and wants to know me more. Mainly, HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME. No pity dates. I'm holding out for someone with balls.

Writing fiction.

You know why I like writing fiction? I can make anything happen. I can make up these unbelieveable situations, and I can make the invisible girl become the heroine.

That's how you know it's fiction you know...

When the normal, ordinary girl gets a guy.

Being real.

Okay, so I've tried to stay off this blog because I was trying to just stop whining about being single.

But you know what, I'm fucking single and it sucks.
I watch tv shows and movies and stuff that features couples being all coupley, and then I have people in my life who are getting married and engaged and it just hurts.

I just want to be with someone, and there's no one in my life and that is really hard. It's hard seeing people find their someone. It's hard wanting to find your someone, and there's just no one around.

Yeah. That's all.

I am my own enemy.

Why do I do this?

I have such a bad tendecy to daydream. I build castles in the air that I KNOW will never happen.

And now I'm hurting, and I feel like crying.

Ugh.

I'm frustrated.

You see, I have this friend. I love her to death, but she's 18 and opinionated. She definitely has her idea of what everyone should do... including me.

When I made the decision to not go back to school, she was one of the loudest non-supporters... actually, as sad as it sounds, she was the only non-supporter.

To her, the only way you can have a "career" or a "future" is to go to school, get a degree, and then work.

But you see, I don't quite agree.. (I'm a poet I guess).

Sometimes, people have different goals in life. That's what makes this world a wonderfully diverse place. Sometimes, what makes you happy is what some people see as being dead-end.

See, I love to waitress, as weird as that sounds. I love connecting with people, I love making people happy. So if I were to work as a waitress all my life, I'd be okay with that. Yeah, it would be hard, and I'd barely pay the bills, but I'd be doing something  I like.

And truthfully, all I want in life is to get married to the love of my life and have babies, and raise strong, independent girls ( and boys), that will kick major ass for future generations.

I don't want my children to dismiss their dreams because they might not be as successful in the way that other people describe successful...

But as long as you are happy with the choices you have made, and you made them because you know that at the time, it's the right decision for you and you alone...

Then that to me is success.

It's taken me several years to get to this place, but I am happy where I am. Here, I can help my family, I can volunteer with children, and this is where God wants me right now I believe.

And I'm not going to apologize or feel guilty about this. My friend's choice about going to college in San Diego was right for her... But right now, going to CSUN for my ASL/Interpreting degree.. doesn't quite feel right. Maybe it will in the future, but that's the thing. I'm not ruling out school forever. Just right now.

All this inspired by a silly book...

I'm trying so hard to be a independent single woman. To not need a man. To be content with this stage in my life....

But it's so hard.

I want to be in a relationship! I want the guy to sweep me off my feet, to romance me, to hold me, to kiss me... everything. I want to feel pretty and desired...

It's so hard being single when so many people around me are married, or engaged, or living with a serious boyfriend (not that I'm really okay with that but whatever)... I just feel so lame, living at home, my whole life being TV shows and stupid stuff like that.

And even though my life is going to get busier now, with tutoring, and work, and Awana, and small group.. (oh my, I do a lot don't I?)... I still want someone to have plans with on Friday or Saturday night... even if it is just watching a movie. I want to be able to take someone to my stupid work Christmas party since I can't take my dad like I was going to.

I guess it's okay to want these things though... It means I'm human. I just wish that I knew what God had planned for me in this area of my life! My love life has pretty much been the one thing that I have always had trouble handing over to Him.. I guess it's like I think that He hasn't been doing a very good job.. and maybe I'll do a better one.. but I doubt it! Every guy I've liked definitely hasn't been The One. I see that now that I'm over them, but at the time... *sigh*.

How is it that I feel so old? Being 16 and infatuated with Sam feels like years ago.. And I guess it was technically but still...

I need to end this post since now I'm just rambling.

*Sigh*