I am my own enemy.

Why do I do this?

I have such a bad tendecy to daydream. I build castles in the air that I KNOW will never happen.

And now I'm hurting, and I feel like crying.

Ugh.

I'm frustrated.

You see, I have this friend. I love her to death, but she's 18 and opinionated. She definitely has her idea of what everyone should do... including me.

When I made the decision to not go back to school, she was one of the loudest non-supporters... actually, as sad as it sounds, she was the only non-supporter.

To her, the only way you can have a "career" or a "future" is to go to school, get a degree, and then work.

But you see, I don't quite agree.. (I'm a poet I guess).

Sometimes, people have different goals in life. That's what makes this world a wonderfully diverse place. Sometimes, what makes you happy is what some people see as being dead-end.

See, I love to waitress, as weird as that sounds. I love connecting with people, I love making people happy. So if I were to work as a waitress all my life, I'd be okay with that. Yeah, it would be hard, and I'd barely pay the bills, but I'd be doing something  I like.

And truthfully, all I want in life is to get married to the love of my life and have babies, and raise strong, independent girls ( and boys), that will kick major ass for future generations.

I don't want my children to dismiss their dreams because they might not be as successful in the way that other people describe successful...

But as long as you are happy with the choices you have made, and you made them because you know that at the time, it's the right decision for you and you alone...

Then that to me is success.

It's taken me several years to get to this place, but I am happy where I am. Here, I can help my family, I can volunteer with children, and this is where God wants me right now I believe.

And I'm not going to apologize or feel guilty about this. My friend's choice about going to college in San Diego was right for her... But right now, going to CSUN for my ASL/Interpreting degree.. doesn't quite feel right. Maybe it will in the future, but that's the thing. I'm not ruling out school forever. Just right now.

All this inspired by a silly book...

I'm trying so hard to be a independent single woman. To not need a man. To be content with this stage in my life....

But it's so hard.

I want to be in a relationship! I want the guy to sweep me off my feet, to romance me, to hold me, to kiss me... everything. I want to feel pretty and desired...

It's so hard being single when so many people around me are married, or engaged, or living with a serious boyfriend (not that I'm really okay with that but whatever)... I just feel so lame, living at home, my whole life being TV shows and stupid stuff like that.

And even though my life is going to get busier now, with tutoring, and work, and Awana, and small group.. (oh my, I do a lot don't I?)... I still want someone to have plans with on Friday or Saturday night... even if it is just watching a movie. I want to be able to take someone to my stupid work Christmas party since I can't take my dad like I was going to.

I guess it's okay to want these things though... It means I'm human. I just wish that I knew what God had planned for me in this area of my life! My love life has pretty much been the one thing that I have always had trouble handing over to Him.. I guess it's like I think that He hasn't been doing a very good job.. and maybe I'll do a better one.. but I doubt it! Every guy I've liked definitely hasn't been The One. I see that now that I'm over them, but at the time... *sigh*.

How is it that I feel so old? Being 16 and infatuated with Sam feels like years ago.. And I guess it was technically but still...

I need to end this post since now I'm just rambling.

*Sigh*