More late night rambles.. even though it's really not that late...

I have a feeling that I do my best blogging at night.. maybe it's just that I'm winding down, and I have time to put down some thoughts...

Or maybe I'm just weird.

This blog may quickly become a place for me to analyze myself, so if anyone is actually reading this, bear with me.. this is my mind. Be grateful you don't have to deal with it.

So the musing for the night is my inability to change/fear of it.

I'm a planner. I blame my mother... She's always making lists and freaks out at the slightest whiff of spontanitiety ( or however it's spelled). Thus, growing up underneath this, I am like that. I'm just too damn responsible.. I have to think things through, plan, and debate and hem and haw before making a critical decision.

Some may say this is a good quality, and it does have it's advantages... but mainly it's a pain. I'm a scardey-cat. I don't take very many chances, and when I do take them, they're usually safe ones.

This is one of many things that I would change about myself. But how to do it?

A days worth of emotions all put into one late night ramble.

Where to start? How do I manage to comprehend the feelings and emotions that I'm feeling right now? ...

I ramble.

Last night, my dear friend/almost sister got hurt. Not physically but mentally. And I was thrust into the position that she has always been in for me as a comforter and spirit-lifter.

But I was so lost. I didn't know what to do, what to say. I've never had experience with what she dealt with. I felt unprepared, and I feel like I failed.

And I don't like failure. I hate the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel worthless, clumsy, and childish.

And then I feel bad because I've made this about me and not her... which makes me selfish to boot.

AND then I feel upset, because why do I feel this way? Why can't I be happy with who I am?

Maybe because the person I am is a nobody, who develops pathetic crushes guys I can't have-who are way out of my league.

You knew this was where it was going right?

It always goes back to him... How could it not? He's all I ever think about...

But I shouldn't. Especially since according to one Twitter post he has someone special. "His Girl".

That's something I'll probably never be...someone's girl. Like I said.. Who wants a nobody?