I am my own enemy.

Why do I do this?

I have such a bad tendecy to daydream. I build castles in the air that I KNOW will never happen.

And now I'm hurting, and I feel like crying.

Ugh.

I'm frustrated.

You see, I have this friend. I love her to death, but she's 18 and opinionated. She definitely has her idea of what everyone should do... including me.

When I made the decision to not go back to school, she was one of the loudest non-supporters... actually, as sad as it sounds, she was the only non-supporter.

To her, the only way you can have a "career" or a "future" is to go to school, get a degree, and then work.

But you see, I don't quite agree.. (I'm a poet I guess).

Sometimes, people have different goals in life. That's what makes this world a wonderfully diverse place. Sometimes, what makes you happy is what some people see as being dead-end.

See, I love to waitress, as weird as that sounds. I love connecting with people, I love making people happy. So if I were to work as a waitress all my life, I'd be okay with that. Yeah, it would be hard, and I'd barely pay the bills, but I'd be doing something  I like.

And truthfully, all I want in life is to get married to the love of my life and have babies, and raise strong, independent girls ( and boys), that will kick major ass for future generations.

I don't want my children to dismiss their dreams because they might not be as successful in the way that other people describe successful...

But as long as you are happy with the choices you have made, and you made them because you know that at the time, it's the right decision for you and you alone...

Then that to me is success.

It's taken me several years to get to this place, but I am happy where I am. Here, I can help my family, I can volunteer with children, and this is where God wants me right now I believe.

And I'm not going to apologize or feel guilty about this. My friend's choice about going to college in San Diego was right for her... But right now, going to CSUN for my ASL/Interpreting degree.. doesn't quite feel right. Maybe it will in the future, but that's the thing. I'm not ruling out school forever. Just right now.

All this inspired by a silly book...

I'm trying so hard to be a independent single woman. To not need a man. To be content with this stage in my life....

But it's so hard.

I want to be in a relationship! I want the guy to sweep me off my feet, to romance me, to hold me, to kiss me... everything. I want to feel pretty and desired...

It's so hard being single when so many people around me are married, or engaged, or living with a serious boyfriend (not that I'm really okay with that but whatever)... I just feel so lame, living at home, my whole life being TV shows and stupid stuff like that.

And even though my life is going to get busier now, with tutoring, and work, and Awana, and small group.. (oh my, I do a lot don't I?)... I still want someone to have plans with on Friday or Saturday night... even if it is just watching a movie. I want to be able to take someone to my stupid work Christmas party since I can't take my dad like I was going to.

I guess it's okay to want these things though... It means I'm human. I just wish that I knew what God had planned for me in this area of my life! My love life has pretty much been the one thing that I have always had trouble handing over to Him.. I guess it's like I think that He hasn't been doing a very good job.. and maybe I'll do a better one.. but I doubt it! Every guy I've liked definitely hasn't been The One. I see that now that I'm over them, but at the time... *sigh*.

How is it that I feel so old? Being 16 and infatuated with Sam feels like years ago.. And I guess it was technically but still...

I need to end this post since now I'm just rambling.

*Sigh*

A slightly feministic post.

So I just resolved a month long spat with one of my closest friends.. and it was over a boy. It was stupid and petty, and I'm so glad it's over.

In order to understand the rest of this post, some background on the fight unfortunately is needed. Basically, I really liked someone, but as it so happened, she was being set up on a blind date with this guy ( I know, what are the chances??). But so when she refused the date because she realized how much it would hurt me, her family gave her major crap.

And this got me to thinking... because my friends family is always pressuring her to be in a relationship.. and as I started to think about it more and more, I started to get pissed off at her family.

You know why?

As women, WE.DON'T.NEED.GUYS. We don't need them to make us happy. WE need to make OURSELVES happy. What kind of women would we be if we let our only happiness be derived from weither we have a man in our lives or not?

I know that I am the most hypocritical person in writing those words since I have spent many nights bemoaning my single status, but you know what? That is ALSO okay. I'm not a die-hard feminist, so I'm not ashamed to say that I want a man. I want someone to hold my hand, to wrap his arms around me. I want that. I want a family and all that stuff.

But I shouldn't let that rule my life. And I try not too.

So I'm making a decision. I want to impact the world in a positive way. I want to make a difference in this world. I don't know how I'm going to get there, but God does. All I want to know is I want to be a influence to girls, I want to create a generation of girls who are tough but sensitive. And something tells me that it's going to be through my writing.

Because while guys can be awesome, us girls can be pretty bad-ass without them.

The Past Does Hurt....

Have you ever thought about your past decisions?

Like what if you had said yes instead of no, or vise versa?

You see, I just found an old IM conversation (remember those?)... it was between a guy friend and I. He sent me a song called "I Need To Know" by Marc Anthony.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7hcEHmeDrw

Basically he was asking if I liked him. I thought I didn't, and I told him so. I then asked him if he liked me. He said no.

But as I was listening to the song today-since the conversation brought it up, the lyrics would suggest that he lied.... And I don't know how to feel about that. Now he's married, with a kid. I can't see myself in that life right now... But would we have dated? What would that have been like? Did he lie? Or did he also see me as a friend as he said? Should I have asked what he felt first?

And all these questions are driving me crazy! I wish I could have seen what direction my life would have taken, had that conversation gone a different way....

He said that I had a way with words... but right now, I feel like the words that I need are gone. How do I describe the feeling in my chest, knowing of a possible missed opportunity? It causes me to wonder how many other similar opportunities I have missed, all these years... Am I the one to blame for my singleness? Me and only me?

My head and heart hurt now.. so I think I'll leave this pile of musings alone for now... or maybe forever.

Brighter than the Sun

We’re worlds apart
But if I believe all the movies
People from two different worlds can find each other and find a happily ever after
How I wish you were my happily ever after.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the moon

Borrowing light to make myself shine bright.
I wish I was like the sun,
But I’m not, I’m just the moon.

In case you didn’t realize
You are the sun
You’re making your own path
Chasing your dreams
While I’m too scared to take that leap
I play by the rules, so I don’t get burned

 

Sometimes I feel like I’m the moon
Borrowing light to make myself shine bright
I wish I was like the sun
But I’m not, I’m just the moon.

 
So could the two of us, find a way to each other
Across this wide universe
Even though I’m too scared to jump
And you’re too bright to notice me
Could we find a way to make it work

 

Because I’m tired of being the moon
I want to shine bright like you
One way or another,
I’ll find my way to you

 And we’ll shine brighter than the sun together.

I'm tired....

Of being invisible
Of never being listened to.
Of feeling alone.
Of wanting you.
Of crying over you.
I'm tired of dreaming, than waking up and realizing that what I dreamt will never come true.
I'm tired of being single.
I'm tired of not having someone to hold me.
I'm just fucking tired of being looked over.


Notice me damnit.

I want...

To show you around my hometown.
To take you to the Fair.
To hold your hand.
To have your hand around my waist.
To have you look at me like I'm the only one for you.
To have silly romantic pictures.
You to make me laugh when I want to cry.
To hold me when I'm feeling lonely.
Someone I can call, no matter what.
Someone who will like all my quirks.
Someone who gets me.
I want your beautiful blue eyes to look into mine, while I'm wrapped in your arms.
I want you to sing to me.
To write songs about me.
I want to live out stupid sappy country music songs with you.
I want you to know who I am.
To realize I'm alive....

I guess we can't always get what we want, can we?

Christian Ramble.

You know what? We as a human race need to get over being politically correct. You know what I mean? We are so worried about offending and excluding people that whole religions are created that are supposed to make everyone feel good and happy.

Well life isn't like that. You can't feel good and happy all the time. Shit happens, and if you don't have a solid rock to stand on, then what happens?

I guess I'm biased. But a religion where you can have no god, many gods, a nature god, be atheist, agnostic, whatever you want, all in one congregation.. that just seems confusing to me! I mean, when I go to a church, I want to know that the people whom I'm turning to for advice are going to give me advice that I can really truly take, since we share the same beliefs. Faith isn't about making people happy. You can't make everyone happy all at once.

 No matter what you do, your going to piss someone off. By saying that you accept all beliefs, your being a pushover. Isn't that funny?

 If you don't go with the flow, you're a stuck-up, close-minded conservative fundimentalist. And yet, if you do go with the flow, you're a push-over, who doesn't know where they stand. Well.. I know where I stand. I am a Christian.

God is real, He created this world, and me. I was not an accident. He loves me, just the way I am, but he wants me to grow and mature and be a better person

. I am a Christian. I cuss. I don't know where I stand on gay marriage. I think that abortion is wrong. I believe that a woman DOES have a choice. She has the choice to either use birth control, or not have sex if she's not ready for a baby. Because that is a by-product of sex. Babies. Take RESPONSIBILITY for your actions!!! - But I digress. I believe that we need to love people, no matter who they are-gay, straight, bi, democrat, republican, black, white, Asian, East Indian, Mexican, Canadian :-P.

  I am a Christian. I can be hypocritical. I can be judgemental. I fail. I'm not perfect. But I follow a God who is. He preaches love. He preaches standing apart from the world. He preaches a narrow path. It's not a wide road, full of choices. It's one choice, one path, single file. He preaches forgviness. He preaches jealousy-HE is jealous of the world. Isn't that funny? He is a jealous, possesive person. He is a husband. He wants us to love Him and only Him. And He doesn't ask much. And really, what he asks is not that hard! Some people don't like all the rules... But without rules, what happens? What happens to that child who never got told no, and always got their way? They turn into spoiled, discontent people, who can never be happy because the world is not fair, and they can't get their way.

Is that really the kind of people we want to be? Hopping from religion to religion when the one we were currently following doesn't make us happy anymore? I don't think so.

Being on Pintrest awakens the dreamer in me... I love finding things that I want to do for my future home, for my future wedding, and all the fun sayings and such.... But there is a downside to this awakening. It often comes with a slight melancholy due to the fact that my future nuptials seem so far away.. along with the man. Dreaming about him is bad for me... But he's the only one I want

Just some crazy ramblings from my brain.

So... You know how you know those people who over-analyze EVERTYHING, and over-think about situations, and basically just drive themselves (and you as well) crazy? I'm one of those people. I blame it on the fact that I'm not very good at reading people, so in some situations, I have no frickin clue what the hell is going on. I don't know if some guy is flirting with me.. or if he's just trying to sell me something because he's on commission or something (looking at you Hot Topic guys). But as annoying as I'm sure it is to other people around me, it's just as-if not more- annoying to me. There are some social situations where I don't know how to operate.. then I end up making an ass outta myself because I'm a freak like that. I'm not harsh on myself at all, am I? So the next time you want to strangle your friend because she seems so obtuese ( Is that how you spell that? Gosh, this thing needs instant spellcheck.. they updated the layout, but no spellcheck??)(anyways..), give her a little grace.. she is obtuese, and she needs your help.

Dreams and Passions.

So here's the thing.

I am planning on become an interpretor. I plan on using that degree to work in the Deaf schools. The Deaf community and kids are some of my passions, and I am so excited to be able to combine them and do something that I will hopefully love.

But I'd be lying if I said that it was my only dream. You see, I love to sing and act. I've been told I'm pretty good at both. I would LOVE to one day be on the Broadway stage. I even have a list of parts that, if I played them, I could die a happy woman. But you see, I'm not one of those people who say that that's what they are going to do with their lives. I'm not one of those people who move down to LA or to New York, live in crappy apartments, and work a crappy job, just hoping and praying for that one break. I can't.

You may ask why?

Because I don't take risks. I don't. The odds of me getting on to Broadway, or to get a singing career are so slim, I can't make the choice to try and make it. I'd rather do something that I know I can make a living off of. I can't go to UCLA or whereever and get a degree in musical theatre. Where would that get me? Waitressing? Making coffee? I want more out of my life than that.
I don't want to be living my life for someday. I've done that for so long, and I still am. I'd rather do something that I still have a passion for, but that I know I'll be able to pay rent.

And if that makes me boring, whatever. BUT, just because I'm not willing to get a degree in it, doesn't mean that I'm not passionate about it.

AND, I am planning on trying out for those shows like American Idol and The Voice. But probably after I get my degree. And who knows? Maybe after I finish school, I'll move to New York, and give Broadway a shot.

Dreams can wait.

New Leaf and all that jazz.

So. I'm going to try to make this blog an actual blog. Like post about my opinions and stuff like that.
So I went through my posts and deleted a bunch. Yup, they're gone... never to return and thank heavens for that. Some of those posts... yeash. They should have never been written down, let alone posted on the interweb. I did keep some of them, since they had some merit, but I would rather people just ignore them.

So... I don't really know where I'm going to head with this "new" blog. I feel like I should at least give some background on me, just so that whomever stumbles across this wild bunch of ramblings knows a wee bit about the writer...

So what the hell right?

Well. As I'm writing this, my nose is so stuffed up, I have become a member of the mouth breathing club. Seriously, me and Darth Vader are buds.. we sound alike and everything. Whenever I get a cold, it seems to always end up settling in my nose.. which is quite possibly one of the worst places for it to settle. Really I'd rather it not settle anywhere on my person, but that's beside the point. Also, it seems that I always get these damn things when I have some important speaking engagement, like a presentation at school, or, like this weekend, an interview for a job that I really want. Murphy, your a bastard.

So I don't know what that little ramble just told you about me, but hopefully you're still with me... hold on, I gotta try to blow my nose....
ugh. Didn't help. Kill me now.

Anyhoo.. about me.. Gosh, I don't even know what to say.
I'm a small town girl, who despite her astrological sign, likes the simple things in life. I love a bargain, and I'm not the biggest fan of name brands. I figure my jeans from Wal-Mart are just as good as your American Eagle ones, and cheaper too! My one exemption would be my Converse. I LOVE my Converse. But I'm not ashamed to admit I have a few off-brand version of those as well.
I can be loud. I have found my volume control in the last few years, now I'm just looking for my filter and my on/off switch. So far, no luck, but I'll keep you posted ;-).
I'm currently not in school-HALLELUJAH!! But I'm hoping to go to California State University Nortridge, for a degree in ASL (That's American Sign Language for all of those who are not in the know)/English Interpretering.
Music and me, We're tight. I love it. There will be a couple of posts about music I'm sure. Aaaah. Music.
Hm... Not sure what else to say, although this is one of my wordy posts that I've ever written. So we'll leave it at that, and I'll bid everyone an adieu!
A.

Meh.

I think it's pretty official. I'm a horrible blogger....

Maybe it's because I know no one really reads this thing.

Maybe it's because I don't really have anything to say. It's not like I'm full of deep, interesting thoughts. Most of my time is consumed with daydreams. And my brain is like ninety-five percent song lyrics, .five percent movie quotes, and .five percent stuff that is actually relevant to the world.. and even that is questionable at times... haha.

Well.... I really don't know where to go from here.
Maybe I'll just sing off and try to do an actual post later.

Reflection.

This is something that crossed my mind... oh probably a couple of months ago, but I've been thinking about it more and more.... so here it goes:

At 13, I thought I knew what love was.
It was fairy tales and happy endings. It was blue eyes and sillyness.

At 16, I thought I knew what love was.
It was flirting and possible dates-going to the movies and such. It was blue eyes and soccer.

At 18, I thought I knew what love was.
It was comfortable. It was blue eyes, a somewhat shared taste in music, and a shared faith.

At 19, I know what love is.
It's messy and unfair. Your heart pounds, you get the most stupid, cheesy smile on your face and it doesn't go away. You want the best for him, even if it's not you. You cheer for him and his achievements are like yours. You laugh at his flaws and goofyness, but you love them at the same time. You think about him day and night. You spend a lot of time crying- a lot of time, because you can't have him. It's still blue eyes, sillyness, soccer, a somewhat shared taste in music, and it's a somewhat shared faith. It's everything that you've ever liked in the ones before, all in one.

That is what love is.

If only I had found it before, in someone I could actually have. But I didn't. I found it in you... And I know that you and I, you and I, will never be.