Being real.

Okay, so I've tried to stay off this blog because I was trying to just stop whining about being single.

But you know what, I'm fucking single and it sucks.
I watch tv shows and movies and stuff that features couples being all coupley, and then I have people in my life who are getting married and engaged and it just hurts.

I just want to be with someone, and there's no one in my life and that is really hard. It's hard seeing people find their someone. It's hard wanting to find your someone, and there's just no one around.

Yeah. That's all.

I am my own enemy.

Why do I do this?

I have such a bad tendecy to daydream. I build castles in the air that I KNOW will never happen.

And now I'm hurting, and I feel like crying.

Ugh.

I'm frustrated.

You see, I have this friend. I love her to death, but she's 18 and opinionated. She definitely has her idea of what everyone should do... including me.

When I made the decision to not go back to school, she was one of the loudest non-supporters... actually, as sad as it sounds, she was the only non-supporter.

To her, the only way you can have a "career" or a "future" is to go to school, get a degree, and then work.

But you see, I don't quite agree.. (I'm a poet I guess).

Sometimes, people have different goals in life. That's what makes this world a wonderfully diverse place. Sometimes, what makes you happy is what some people see as being dead-end.

See, I love to waitress, as weird as that sounds. I love connecting with people, I love making people happy. So if I were to work as a waitress all my life, I'd be okay with that. Yeah, it would be hard, and I'd barely pay the bills, but I'd be doing something  I like.

And truthfully, all I want in life is to get married to the love of my life and have babies, and raise strong, independent girls ( and boys), that will kick major ass for future generations.

I don't want my children to dismiss their dreams because they might not be as successful in the way that other people describe successful...

But as long as you are happy with the choices you have made, and you made them because you know that at the time, it's the right decision for you and you alone...

Then that to me is success.

It's taken me several years to get to this place, but I am happy where I am. Here, I can help my family, I can volunteer with children, and this is where God wants me right now I believe.

And I'm not going to apologize or feel guilty about this. My friend's choice about going to college in San Diego was right for her... But right now, going to CSUN for my ASL/Interpreting degree.. doesn't quite feel right. Maybe it will in the future, but that's the thing. I'm not ruling out school forever. Just right now.

All this inspired by a silly book...

I'm trying so hard to be a independent single woman. To not need a man. To be content with this stage in my life....

But it's so hard.

I want to be in a relationship! I want the guy to sweep me off my feet, to romance me, to hold me, to kiss me... everything. I want to feel pretty and desired...

It's so hard being single when so many people around me are married, or engaged, or living with a serious boyfriend (not that I'm really okay with that but whatever)... I just feel so lame, living at home, my whole life being TV shows and stupid stuff like that.

And even though my life is going to get busier now, with tutoring, and work, and Awana, and small group.. (oh my, I do a lot don't I?)... I still want someone to have plans with on Friday or Saturday night... even if it is just watching a movie. I want to be able to take someone to my stupid work Christmas party since I can't take my dad like I was going to.

I guess it's okay to want these things though... It means I'm human. I just wish that I knew what God had planned for me in this area of my life! My love life has pretty much been the one thing that I have always had trouble handing over to Him.. I guess it's like I think that He hasn't been doing a very good job.. and maybe I'll do a better one.. but I doubt it! Every guy I've liked definitely hasn't been The One. I see that now that I'm over them, but at the time... *sigh*.

How is it that I feel so old? Being 16 and infatuated with Sam feels like years ago.. And I guess it was technically but still...

I need to end this post since now I'm just rambling.

*Sigh*

A slightly feministic post.

So I just resolved a month long spat with one of my closest friends.. and it was over a boy. It was stupid and petty, and I'm so glad it's over.

In order to understand the rest of this post, some background on the fight unfortunately is needed. Basically, I really liked someone, but as it so happened, she was being set up on a blind date with this guy ( I know, what are the chances??). But so when she refused the date because she realized how much it would hurt me, her family gave her major crap.

And this got me to thinking... because my friends family is always pressuring her to be in a relationship.. and as I started to think about it more and more, I started to get pissed off at her family.

You know why?

As women, WE.DON'T.NEED.GUYS. We don't need them to make us happy. WE need to make OURSELVES happy. What kind of women would we be if we let our only happiness be derived from weither we have a man in our lives or not?

I know that I am the most hypocritical person in writing those words since I have spent many nights bemoaning my single status, but you know what? That is ALSO okay. I'm not a die-hard feminist, so I'm not ashamed to say that I want a man. I want someone to hold my hand, to wrap his arms around me. I want that. I want a family and all that stuff.

But I shouldn't let that rule my life. And I try not too.

So I'm making a decision. I want to impact the world in a positive way. I want to make a difference in this world. I don't know how I'm going to get there, but God does. All I want to know is I want to be a influence to girls, I want to create a generation of girls who are tough but sensitive. And something tells me that it's going to be through my writing.

Because while guys can be awesome, us girls can be pretty bad-ass without them.

The Past Does Hurt....

Have you ever thought about your past decisions?

Like what if you had said yes instead of no, or vise versa?

You see, I just found an old IM conversation (remember those?)... it was between a guy friend and I. He sent me a song called "I Need To Know" by Marc Anthony.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7hcEHmeDrw

Basically he was asking if I liked him. I thought I didn't, and I told him so. I then asked him if he liked me. He said no.

But as I was listening to the song today-since the conversation brought it up, the lyrics would suggest that he lied.... And I don't know how to feel about that. Now he's married, with a kid. I can't see myself in that life right now... But would we have dated? What would that have been like? Did he lie? Or did he also see me as a friend as he said? Should I have asked what he felt first?

And all these questions are driving me crazy! I wish I could have seen what direction my life would have taken, had that conversation gone a different way....

He said that I had a way with words... but right now, I feel like the words that I need are gone. How do I describe the feeling in my chest, knowing of a possible missed opportunity? It causes me to wonder how many other similar opportunities I have missed, all these years... Am I the one to blame for my singleness? Me and only me?

My head and heart hurt now.. so I think I'll leave this pile of musings alone for now... or maybe forever.

Brighter than the Sun

We’re worlds apart
But if I believe all the movies
People from two different worlds can find each other and find a happily ever after
How I wish you were my happily ever after.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the moon

Borrowing light to make myself shine bright.
I wish I was like the sun,
But I’m not, I’m just the moon.

In case you didn’t realize
You are the sun
You’re making your own path
Chasing your dreams
While I’m too scared to take that leap
I play by the rules, so I don’t get burned

 

Sometimes I feel like I’m the moon
Borrowing light to make myself shine bright
I wish I was like the sun
But I’m not, I’m just the moon.

 
So could the two of us, find a way to each other
Across this wide universe
Even though I’m too scared to jump
And you’re too bright to notice me
Could we find a way to make it work

 

Because I’m tired of being the moon
I want to shine bright like you
One way or another,
I’ll find my way to you

 And we’ll shine brighter than the sun together.