Dreams and Passions.

So here's the thing.

I am planning on become an interpretor. I plan on using that degree to work in the Deaf schools. The Deaf community and kids are some of my passions, and I am so excited to be able to combine them and do something that I will hopefully love.

But I'd be lying if I said that it was my only dream. You see, I love to sing and act. I've been told I'm pretty good at both. I would LOVE to one day be on the Broadway stage. I even have a list of parts that, if I played them, I could die a happy woman. But you see, I'm not one of those people who say that that's what they are going to do with their lives. I'm not one of those people who move down to LA or to New York, live in crappy apartments, and work a crappy job, just hoping and praying for that one break. I can't.

You may ask why?

Because I don't take risks. I don't. The odds of me getting on to Broadway, or to get a singing career are so slim, I can't make the choice to try and make it. I'd rather do something that I know I can make a living off of. I can't go to UCLA or whereever and get a degree in musical theatre. Where would that get me? Waitressing? Making coffee? I want more out of my life than that.
I don't want to be living my life for someday. I've done that for so long, and I still am. I'd rather do something that I still have a passion for, but that I know I'll be able to pay rent.

And if that makes me boring, whatever. BUT, just because I'm not willing to get a degree in it, doesn't mean that I'm not passionate about it.

AND, I am planning on trying out for those shows like American Idol and The Voice. But probably after I get my degree. And who knows? Maybe after I finish school, I'll move to New York, and give Broadway a shot.

Dreams can wait.

New Leaf and all that jazz.

So. I'm going to try to make this blog an actual blog. Like post about my opinions and stuff like that.
So I went through my posts and deleted a bunch. Yup, they're gone... never to return and thank heavens for that. Some of those posts... yeash. They should have never been written down, let alone posted on the interweb. I did keep some of them, since they had some merit, but I would rather people just ignore them.

So... I don't really know where I'm going to head with this "new" blog. I feel like I should at least give some background on me, just so that whomever stumbles across this wild bunch of ramblings knows a wee bit about the writer...

So what the hell right?

Well. As I'm writing this, my nose is so stuffed up, I have become a member of the mouth breathing club. Seriously, me and Darth Vader are buds.. we sound alike and everything. Whenever I get a cold, it seems to always end up settling in my nose.. which is quite possibly one of the worst places for it to settle. Really I'd rather it not settle anywhere on my person, but that's beside the point. Also, it seems that I always get these damn things when I have some important speaking engagement, like a presentation at school, or, like this weekend, an interview for a job that I really want. Murphy, your a bastard.

So I don't know what that little ramble just told you about me, but hopefully you're still with me... hold on, I gotta try to blow my nose....
ugh. Didn't help. Kill me now.

Anyhoo.. about me.. Gosh, I don't even know what to say.
I'm a small town girl, who despite her astrological sign, likes the simple things in life. I love a bargain, and I'm not the biggest fan of name brands. I figure my jeans from Wal-Mart are just as good as your American Eagle ones, and cheaper too! My one exemption would be my Converse. I LOVE my Converse. But I'm not ashamed to admit I have a few off-brand version of those as well.
I can be loud. I have found my volume control in the last few years, now I'm just looking for my filter and my on/off switch. So far, no luck, but I'll keep you posted ;-).
I'm currently not in school-HALLELUJAH!! But I'm hoping to go to California State University Nortridge, for a degree in ASL (That's American Sign Language for all of those who are not in the know)/English Interpretering.
Music and me, We're tight. I love it. There will be a couple of posts about music I'm sure. Aaaah. Music.
Hm... Not sure what else to say, although this is one of my wordy posts that I've ever written. So we'll leave it at that, and I'll bid everyone an adieu!
A.

Meh.

I think it's pretty official. I'm a horrible blogger....

Maybe it's because I know no one really reads this thing.

Maybe it's because I don't really have anything to say. It's not like I'm full of deep, interesting thoughts. Most of my time is consumed with daydreams. And my brain is like ninety-five percent song lyrics, .five percent movie quotes, and .five percent stuff that is actually relevant to the world.. and even that is questionable at times... haha.

Well.... I really don't know where to go from here.
Maybe I'll just sing off and try to do an actual post later.

Reflection.

This is something that crossed my mind... oh probably a couple of months ago, but I've been thinking about it more and more.... so here it goes:

At 13, I thought I knew what love was.
It was fairy tales and happy endings. It was blue eyes and sillyness.

At 16, I thought I knew what love was.
It was flirting and possible dates-going to the movies and such. It was blue eyes and soccer.

At 18, I thought I knew what love was.
It was comfortable. It was blue eyes, a somewhat shared taste in music, and a shared faith.

At 19, I know what love is.
It's messy and unfair. Your heart pounds, you get the most stupid, cheesy smile on your face and it doesn't go away. You want the best for him, even if it's not you. You cheer for him and his achievements are like yours. You laugh at his flaws and goofyness, but you love them at the same time. You think about him day and night. You spend a lot of time crying- a lot of time, because you can't have him. It's still blue eyes, sillyness, soccer, a somewhat shared taste in music, and it's a somewhat shared faith. It's everything that you've ever liked in the ones before, all in one.

That is what love is.

If only I had found it before, in someone I could actually have. But I didn't. I found it in you... And I know that you and I, you and I, will never be.

I'm back.

There is so much to comment on right now... It's been a long time since I've last posted on this little blog, and I don't quite know where to start. But for now, I am just going to write something that is laying heavy on my heart.

I have a friend who grew up in a very conservative church-one of those skirt wearing, no-movie-going, no-dancing kind of churches. And she has been struggling with what they taught her all her life. She still is.

Reading her stories and thinking about the pain that she must be feeling in her heart makes me so sad... and grateful.

Grateful for the way I was raised. My faith is not that of rules and regulations, of what I can do to make sure I get a place in heaven. I know that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to really impress God. I know that he wipes my sins clean every single day, and he lovs me, even when I do all sorts of shitty stuff. He accepts me for who I am, not for who I want to be. He has my life planned, and His plan is perfect.

There have been times when I felt like I was a "Bad Christian" because I use the language I use, I say some of the things I say, and I want tattoos and wierd piercings. But I don't think that anymore. I know where I stand. I am a beloved daughter of God. He does exist, His son did die on that cross for all the stupid mistakes I have made, are making, and will make. He is my God, and He is in my heart. I try my hardest to live like He would want me to do.

Wow.. I think this is the most wordy post yet :-P.
One more thing, and then I'll sign off.
This friend of mine mentioned how she held a sign that said "Abortion kills children" and that she was thinking about the children and not the women. The thing is, maybe I'm just not as far out there as I orignially thought. Take responsibilty for your actions, and if you can't take back the decision, ask for forgiveness and change your ways. If that's too old-fashioned, then you can kiss.my.arse.

Good night :-)

More late night rambles.. even though it's really not that late...

I have a feeling that I do my best blogging at night.. maybe it's just that I'm winding down, and I have time to put down some thoughts...

Or maybe I'm just weird.

This blog may quickly become a place for me to analyze myself, so if anyone is actually reading this, bear with me.. this is my mind. Be grateful you don't have to deal with it.

So the musing for the night is my inability to change/fear of it.

I'm a planner. I blame my mother... She's always making lists and freaks out at the slightest whiff of spontanitiety ( or however it's spelled). Thus, growing up underneath this, I am like that. I'm just too damn responsible.. I have to think things through, plan, and debate and hem and haw before making a critical decision.

Some may say this is a good quality, and it does have it's advantages... but mainly it's a pain. I'm a scardey-cat. I don't take very many chances, and when I do take them, they're usually safe ones.

This is one of many things that I would change about myself. But how to do it?

A days worth of emotions all put into one late night ramble.

Where to start? How do I manage to comprehend the feelings and emotions that I'm feeling right now? ...

I ramble.

Last night, my dear friend/almost sister got hurt. Not physically but mentally. And I was thrust into the position that she has always been in for me as a comforter and spirit-lifter.

But I was so lost. I didn't know what to do, what to say. I've never had experience with what she dealt with. I felt unprepared, and I feel like I failed.

And I don't like failure. I hate the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel worthless, clumsy, and childish.

And then I feel bad because I've made this about me and not her... which makes me selfish to boot.

AND then I feel upset, because why do I feel this way? Why can't I be happy with who I am?

Maybe because the person I am is a nobody, who develops pathetic crushes guys I can't have-who are way out of my league.

You knew this was where it was going right?

It always goes back to him... How could it not? He's all I ever think about...

But I shouldn't. Especially since according to one Twitter post he has someone special. "His Girl".

That's something I'll probably never be...someone's girl. Like I said.. Who wants a nobody?