More late night rambles.. even though it's really not that late...

I have a feeling that I do my best blogging at night.. maybe it's just that I'm winding down, and I have time to put down some thoughts...

Or maybe I'm just weird.

This blog may quickly become a place for me to analyze myself, so if anyone is actually reading this, bear with me.. this is my mind. Be grateful you don't have to deal with it.

So the musing for the night is my inability to change/fear of it.

I'm a planner. I blame my mother... She's always making lists and freaks out at the slightest whiff of spontanitiety ( or however it's spelled). Thus, growing up underneath this, I am like that. I'm just too damn responsible.. I have to think things through, plan, and debate and hem and haw before making a critical decision.

Some may say this is a good quality, and it does have it's advantages... but mainly it's a pain. I'm a scardey-cat. I don't take very many chances, and when I do take them, they're usually safe ones.

This is one of many things that I would change about myself. But how to do it?

A days worth of emotions all put into one late night ramble.

Where to start? How do I manage to comprehend the feelings and emotions that I'm feeling right now? ...

I ramble.

Last night, my dear friend/almost sister got hurt. Not physically but mentally. And I was thrust into the position that she has always been in for me as a comforter and spirit-lifter.

But I was so lost. I didn't know what to do, what to say. I've never had experience with what she dealt with. I felt unprepared, and I feel like I failed.

And I don't like failure. I hate the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel worthless, clumsy, and childish.

And then I feel bad because I've made this about me and not her... which makes me selfish to boot.

AND then I feel upset, because why do I feel this way? Why can't I be happy with who I am?

Maybe because the person I am is a nobody, who develops pathetic crushes guys I can't have-who are way out of my league.

You knew this was where it was going right?

It always goes back to him... How could it not? He's all I ever think about...

But I shouldn't. Especially since according to one Twitter post he has someone special. "His Girl".

That's something I'll probably never be...someone's girl. Like I said.. Who wants a nobody?

Dreams...

The Dutch side of me finds it so hard to dream. I have problems getting out of my comfort zone... frankly, it scares the shit out of me.

But I long to dream and I long to do great things.

I dream of a day where I leave this sleepy little Podunk town, and go to a city like New York.. become an actress and a singer. I feel like maybe I could be that girl... the normal girl who becomes the famous person on the red carpet.

I also dream of finding a man. Yes, right now the dream is that I meet Him and he falls in love with me, and we enter this amazing relationship and he loves me.

But I can't.

I can't dream. It scares me to think about leaving my little town. And I mean, my voice may be great for this little town and it may impress the people around me... But if I were to get into a big city, I'd just be another girl trying to be Lea Michele.

And I know that I can't dream about Him. It's not going to happen.

It's so hopeless.

Lost...

I'm happy for her. I really am. But I just want to scream.

She's another person who has found someone who finds her beautiful, and he wants to get to know everything about her. HE WANTS HER.

She was my confidant-the one person who understood where I was at in my life, and now she's crossed over to the dark side.

I am utterly and completely alone....

and lost.

Friendship.

Okay, so there is this song by Celtic Thunder-one of my fave groups- and it's called Caledonia. Basically, what I really like about the song is this line that goes: " I lost the friends/ that I needed losing/ found others on the way/." Whenever I hear that line, I start to think about the friends that I have lost, and the ones that have come into my life that have changed it for the better. Then a little bit ago, I noticed a picture on our screensaver of our computer. It was me and a bunch of my friends during the summer of my freshman year. I'm still friends with only a few of them. I lost one to differing political views, and another to just immaturity and different schools. I'm not as close to two of my friends from back then, but we still hang out. One of them became my best friend. And then there are the new friends. I found someone who is so similar to me that it is scary, but she is so much fun to hang out with, and she greatly blesses my life. I found a friend at school whom now gives me great laughs and friendship, and who is also one of the only, if not THE only person, who reads this silly little blog of mine. I have discovered new friendships through my job, and I have been blessed. I guess what really struck me is that God obviously knew what I would need as I grew up. I no longer need Ashley and Masha, because I have Brittney, Nicole, and Emma. I don't need to be as close as I was to Emily, but I still need her frienship, and she may need me. I have a stron friendship with Bria, where there wasn't really one before. And I have an amazing best friend who I really don't deserve. I'm so glad that all of the people in my life are here, and ya know what? I'm glad that the people who aren't in my life are not in it. There is not one friendship that I regret-wiether it was losing or gaining.

"We humans are too simpleminded. We all like to think each person, place, or thing is only itself. A vibrator is a vibrator is a vibrator, right? But that is not true at all. Everthing is stuffed to the brim with ideas and love and hope and magic and dreams."

Do Not Go Gentle-Sherman Alexie.

Let me tell you a secret...

I'm not who people think I am...
I often hide what I really think, so that people won't judge me or hate me.

I want people to like me so much, that I'll hide what I really think and feel to make a good impression.

When really...

I can be mean.

I can be judgemental,

and I tend to get obsessive about guys.

I don't tell people what I feel about things, because I don't think that people won't understand me... and that they won't see why I think them....

I'm a liar.